The Biggest Mistake in Relationships

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Almost everyone enters relationships with the same misunderstanding.

We believe the other person is supposed to give us love.
And when we don't feel loved, we assume something is wrong with them... or with the relationship.

I want to offer a completely different way of looking at relationships.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN:

◽ The biggest misunderstanding people bring into relationships
◽ Why the quality of your life comes from who you're being, not what you have or do
◽ The difference between receiving love and experiencing love
◽ What every relationship is actually designed to give you
◽ Why difficult people create the greatest opportunities for growth
◽ How gratitude naturally replaces disappointment in relationships

Relationships aren't here to complete you.

They're here to give you the opportunity to become the person you most love being.

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https://theawakeningweekend.com

If you’re ready to move beyond understanding this intellectually and actually live it, the Awakening Weekends are where that happens. It’s a space to experience what it means to show up differently and leave a completely different impact on the people around you.

👉 Watch David’s free video on ending self-criticism:
https://endingselfcriticism.com

If this message resonates, this is the best place to go deeper. It will shift how you relate to yourself and everything else builds from there.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Let's talk about the biggest mistake people make in relationships. Everyone. And it's just worldwide, society wide, it's everyone. So it's not personal to any of us. It's the misunderstanding that we all have about relatedness and relationships. And the biggest mistake is that we think that somehow our experience of love comes from the other person, that we're going to get love from the other person. This is the biggest mistake you can make because the experience of love never comes from the other person. If somebody loves us and we're cranky while they're loving us, you'll notice we don't experience love. We experience crankiness. If somebody is loving us and while they're loving us, we're being cold and distant. You'll notice we don't experience love. We experience coldness. So no matter how much someone loves us, that doesn't put love in our life. Why? Well, you could say there's three domains of life. There's what we have, there's what we do, and there's who we be as human beings. We have things like I have a jacket on. We do things like I'm talking to you right now. That's obvious. But there's a third domain of life that's less obvious that most people miss, which is who we're being. We're always being some ways human beings. We could be generous, we could be stingy. We could be tender, we could be cold. We could be respectful, we could be disrespectful. Those are ways of being. The important thing to discover about life, actually, and about being in relationship is that the quality of our life is determined only by who we are being. It never comes from anything we have or anything we do. So another person loving us is actually something we have. We have someone loving us. That doesn't give us the quality of our life. See, no matter what we have and what we're doing, if we don't love who we're being, we don't love our life. We could be in this Swiss Alps skiing, have a beautiful sunny day, perfect snow in the Swiss Alps, and be skiing on this perfect day. And if while all that we have the Alps and we're skiing, if while all that we're being cranky or resentful, we won't enjoy the day. We could have a flooded basement and be cleaning the basement. And if while we have a flooded basement and what we're doing is cleaning it, we're in fact being playful, we'll enjoy the day. Don't take my word for it. Study life. So watch yourself. That nothing you have gives you the quality of your life, really. Nothing you do gives you the quality of your life. It's the quality of your life is determined totally by who you're being. So in a relationship, somebody loving you is something you have that doesn't give you the quality of your life. That gives them the quality of their life, quite frankly. They're have the life of a loving person. But I'm gonna repeat myself now. While they're loving you, you're being judgmental. You won't experience love at all. You'll experience judgment. So in a relationship, the biggest mistake we make is thinking our experience of love comes from the other person. When in fact, it only ever comes from who we're being in the relationship. That's the one thing we have total say about, notice. That's the good news. The one thing that gives us our happiness is the one thing we have total say about. You'll notice, whether we're generous or stingy, that's totally up to us. Whether we're resentful or forgiving, that's up to us, isn't it? So the one thing that gives us our happiness, who we're being, is the one thing we have total say about. Okay, then what's the point of a relationship? The point of a relationship is not to get something from the other person. They can't give it to us anyways. The only thing a relationship provides us is the opportunity to be somebody. So you love being tender, don't you? Well, do you get to be tender if there's nobody there to be tender with? You love being generous, don't you? Just notice that. Wow, you're happy when you're being generous. Well, if nobody's there to be generous with, do you have the opportunity to be generous? You love being compassionate. Just notice how happy you are when you're being compassionate. Well, if nobody's there, you don't get to be compassionate. You love being empowering. Notice how happy you are when you're empowering. Well, if nobody's there, you don't get to be empowering. So the lesson about relationships to learn is the only thing the other person provides us is the opportunity to be somebody. That's why you're grateful for their presence, period. No matter how they are, you get to be somebody. Here's the senior lesson. The more difficult they are, the bigger we get to be. You know, if you have a polite clerk in a store, that's an opportunity to be polite back, isn't it? But if you have a rude clerk in a store, that's an opportunity to be really generous, isn't it? If you have a great boss, that's an opportunity to be great back, isn't it? But if you have a difficult boss, that's an opportunity to be really big as a human being. So the only thing the other person provides us is the opportunity to be somebody. And the more difficult they are, the bigger we get to be. When you get that, you're grateful for the presence of anybody. So it's important in relationships that you have the experience of being grateful for the other person's presence. If you expect that they're going to provide you something, you won't be grateful. You won't have that experience. But if you understand what really is the essence, the nature of our relationships with people, and you understand that what the other person provides is the opportunity for you to be somebody. And if somebody marries you or commits you for life, they're saying, hey, I'm gonna give my whole life to you. I'm gonna put my whole life in your hands, and you have the opportunity to empower somebody for their entire lifetime. What a gift that is. So experiencing gratitude in the relationship, I'm grateful to be in this relationship, requires understanding that they don't give us anything except the opportunity to be loving, empowering, inspiring, compassionate. That's what they give us. We can always be grateful for that, that opportunity, because that has us all of our lives. If we could step outside the false belief that the point of a relationship is to get something from the other person, to get love from the other person, boy, does that lead us towards a upset. We almost are always disappointed inside that paradigm. But if we can discover what they give us is the opportunity to be somebody, we can ongoingly, consistently, continually have the experience of being grateful to be in the relationship. And if we're ever feeling distant or disconnected, we often blame it on them. We go, wait, they're not paying attention to me. No, if you follow this conversation, if we're ever feeling distant or disconnected in a relationship, it's simply because we stop being there with the other person. We stopped being attentive, we stopped being generous, we stopped being loving. It's when we stop that we feel distant or disconnected. And the good news is that's up to us. Who we're being is the one thing in life we have total say about. And a relationship gives us the opportunity to be somebody extraordinary. Enjoy your relationships, everybody. Experience gratitude. Bless you. Thanks for watching the video, everybody. I hope you're enjoying it and I hope it's useful for you. And I'd like to take a minute to tell you if you'd like to do more work with me, you can participate in my flagship program called The Awakening. The Awakening is a three-day program that's the most fulfilling work I've ever done. I created this program at the crossroads of transformation and spiritual enlightenment. I'd worked in both fields for many years. Many people have been on those paths. And what is new is to see where those two paths cross. Where does transformation cross paths with spiritual enlightenment? And there's a gold mine there for us to tap into. So the awakening works right there. We go there and discover everything that's possible when you cross the path of transformation and spiritual enlightenment. It's really an amazing program that gives you such access to freedom in your life, peace in your life, actually a state of grace. And then the power that comes from living in a state of grace. Just imagine how effective we can be when we live in a state of grace. Alright, click the link below for more information on the awakening. I hope you can join me. Thank you.